


Two Men and a Bunker

by Dizzojay



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Drabble Collection, Gen, Humor, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt Sam Winchester, Men of Letters Bunker
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-04
Updated: 2017-11-04
Packaged: 2018-02-24 03:29:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 2,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2566649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dizzojay/pseuds/Dizzojay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of drabbles showing all the times Dean couldn't resist fiddling with the Batcave's hidden treasures, and all the times he really should have left them alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Samson's Comb

SAMSON'S COMB

Dean knew he should have known better, but when he found Samson's comb in the basement, he just couldn't resist a quick brush.

But now he was peering into the mirror from under long silky bangs which hung down over his face and tickled his nose. He scowled at the long lustrous locks that swirled around his shoulders, framing his face in sleek, dark-blond tresses.

"Uh Sam," he called sheepishly; "I think I …" The words died on his lips as Sam appeared before him, furiously pointing to the gleaming cueball that was now his head.

"You think you've got freakin' problems?"

xxxxx

end


	2. Triton's Conch

TRITON'S CONCH

Sam glared down into the bathtub at Dean.

"Don't look at me like that," Dean snapped as the massive silver fishtail that had replaced his legs slapped the water.

Sam shrugged. "How, then, am I supposed to look at the jerk who found Triton's conch in our vaults and decided to try and play Highway to Hell on it?"

The bathwater swirled as the fishtail lashed menacingly. "When I can get outta this tub, I'm so gonna paste your ass," Dean snorted ingraciously; "until then, bitch, make some lunch."

Sam turned with a resigned sigh.

"NO GODDAMNED SUSHI," Dean called after him.

xxxxx

end


	3. Helm of Hades

HELM OF HADES

Dean didn't get why Sam was so pissed.

I mean, when a man finds a hat he's gotta try it on, right?

How would Dean know the Helm of friggin' Hades made him invisible?

He only realised when he turned to the mirror and saw, well, nothing.

And he squeaked out a shocked yelp ...

And Sam came running ...

And slammed into his invisible brother with the force of a wildebeest stampede.

Staring woozily at the swirling ceiling, Dean had to concede that the helm was useful for preventing multiple skull fractures

And Sam?

Honestly; you'd think he'd never broken his nose before!

xxxxx

end


	4. Holy Cow!

HOLY COW!

"Sam?"

"What? I'm busy."

"Sorry, but I could use a hand."

"Dean, this incantation won't translate itself."

"It'll have to wait."

*Sigh* "okay, I'm coming."

"I'm in my room."

*grumble* "this had better be goo …"

"Dean, there's a cow. In your room."

MOOOOOO!

"Well spotted Hawkeye."

"How …?"

"This stupid thing."

"Krishna's Flute?"

"Found it in the vault an' I just …"

*facepalm* "Krishna, Hindu Deity; Protector of the Sacred Cow?"

"I only wanted to see how it sounded."

"Jerk!"

"Sam, quit bitchin', there's a freakin' COW in my room."

SPLUTT-TTT-SPLAT

"Yep, and it gives a whole new meaning to 'the pile on the carpet'!"

xxxxx

end


	5. Un-Fort-unate

UN-FORT-UNATE

Hugging his coffee mug, Sam sat down at the table opposite his brother.

"Hey Sam," Dean announced; "did you know we had Charles Fort's ashes in our vaults?"

Sam froze, eyes widening in awe.

"Charles Fort?"

"Yep, but ..."

"The greatest ever researcher and chronicler of the supernatural?" Sam gasped in excitement; "the Godfather of hunting?"

"Yep, I …"

"Dean, that's epic," Sam beamed; "how d'you find out?"

"I'm tryin' to tell you," snapped Dean; "I broke his urn, so I put the ashes in the spare sugar caddy for now."

"You've just put two spoonfuls of our Godfather in your coffee."

xxxxx

end


	6. In the Closet

IN THE CLOSET

Sam had been skeptical at first.

But, now with Dean standing before him, wiping sticky, turkish-delight flavoured fingers on a snow-flecked fur coat that completely engulfed him, somehow it didn't seem so bizarre.

It was the Batcave, after all …

"So," Sam sighed; "you got to Narnia through some crappy old wardrobe you found in the basement?"

Dean nodded with a grin.

"I met Mr. Tumnus."

Sam studied the liberal coating of icing sugar across Dean's ruddy, cold-flushed cheeks; "I'm guessing you met the Ice Queen too?"

"Yeah," Dean smirked, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"… and, dude; she ain't icy any more!"

xxxxx

end


	7. Not such a Yummy Mummy

NOT SUCH A YUMMY MUMMY

"Dean, how …?"

"It slammed shut behind me," came the muffled voice from inside the locked mummy-case, the final resting place of the pharaoh, dhueshb'haag, whose cobweb-strewn earthly remains were now unceremoniously propped against the wall.

Sam sighed; "can you breathe?"

"Yeah," Dean grumbled; "this thing's riddled with woodworm."

"OK, so where's the key?" asked Sam

"In my pocket," snorted Dean impatiently.

Great.

"C'mon Sasquatch, shake a leg; it friggin' stinks in here!"

Sam paused, eyes narrowing slyly; "hmmmmm, let me think …"

xxxxx

Juggling his beer and the remote, Sam slumped contentedly into the couch for a Dean-free episode of Downton Abbey.

He was thinking, honest.

xxxxx

end


	8. Flower Power

FLOWER POWER

Dean's eyes flicked up from his laptop as the door from the Batcave's vaults burst open and Sam charged through, slamming it behind him. Leaning against it, he panted heavily as noxious green goo dripped down his shredded jeans.

"Next time you find a box of seeds down there," Sam gasped; "read the freakin' label before you plant the damn things."

"I only planted one," Dean retorted; "I wanted something nice for my room and you won't let me have a goldfish."

"Well congratulations," Sam snapped, bracing against the pounding door; "I hope you and your pet triffid will be very happy together."

xxxxx

end


	9. The Candy Man

THE CANDY MAN

Looking up from his book, Sam startled when a skinny young boy emerged from a distant doorway.

"The hell…?" Sam snapped; "who are you?"

"I'm Charlie Bucket," the boy began hesitantly; "I was at Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, but when I went into the storeroom, it was empty; except for a guy with a chocolate-stained face and a real swollen belly sitting in a massive pile of candy wrappers. He said he's your brother."

"Oh," Sam groaned.

"He said to come an' say 'hi'," Charlie continued; "and, because he can't get up right now, he says, is there any Pepto-Bismol left?"

xxxxx

end


	10. Snack Attack

SNACK ATTACK

"Dean … why?"

"It had 'Eat Me' written on it."

"But …"

"In jellybeans Sam!"

"Yeah, but …"

"Red ones."

*sigh*

"So in a vault full of magical and occult artefacts, you found a donut with 'Eat Me' written on it in Jellybeans …"

"Red ones."

"… Yeah, okay; red jellybeans, and you ate it. Why Dean?"

"Because I wanted a snack and it had 'Eat Me' written on it in red jellybeans. What was I supposed to do – dance a goddamn rumba with it?"

"How about just leave it the hell alone?"

"You're no fun, bitch."

"Yeah, and you're twenty feet tall, jerk. Good luck getting out of that vault."

xxxxx

end


	11. Mustelidae Winchesteramus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean's been exploring the Batcave again. Does it end well?  
> What do you think?

It was a quiet day in the bunker's library. The only sound was the rustle of vellum and an occasional weary sigh as Kevin trawled aimlessly through the countless volumes piled around the table before him.

The Winchesters were down in the vaults, continuing their seemingly eternal indexing exercise, and he was alone.

And really, really bored.

That was until the library door was flung open and Sam stomped through with a face like thunder and a green-eyed ferret wriggling furiously in his hands.

"We're back," Sam grunted sourly.

Kevin stared. "Uh …"

"Dumbledore's wand," Sam groaned; "don't ask!"

xxxxx

end


	12. Merry Kiss-Mas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean's been exploring the Bunker's vaults again, there will be consequences. For someone.

It wasn't unusual for Dean to go exploring in the bunker's labyrinthine vaults when he had nothing better to do.

The trouble was, when he did, it rarely ended well.

And when a starry-eyed Dean pranced up the steps from the deepest vault clutching a sprig of enchanted mistletoe above his head and lunged toward Sam, planting a smacking wet kiss on his shocked face with the force of a sink plunger, Sam knew that this particular time was no different

He also knew he was going to have to get a goddamn padlock for the door to those freakin' vaults.

xxxxx

Still seeing stars through oxygen deprivation, Sam squirmed away from Dean's loving embrace.

He thought swiftly; he would need time and space to research this thing, and he would have neither with his lovelorn brother climbing all over him.

That was when an idea sprung into his mind.

Quickly grabbing his cellphone as he backpedalled from Dean's advancing form, he punched in a brief text.

'Cas, please get here – Dean needs yr help.'

Send!

Yes okay, it was a shitty thing to do.

But someone was going to have to take one for Team Free Will.

xxxxx

end


	13. Sleeping - what?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean should stay well away from the bunker's vaults. Something's happened, but Kevin needs to test a theory before he can say what.

Sam was in the library when he heard Kevin dashing up from the bunker's vaults.

"Sam," he yelled; "it's Dean - there's been an accident."

"What happened?" Sam gasped.

"Well, it's … uh … hard to say," Kevin mumbled breathlessly; "but, well, Sam - d'you reckon Dean's handsome?"

"What?"

"Dean," Kevin repeated sheepishly; "y'know, like … is he handsome?"

Sam gaped helplessly.

"Just humour me," pleaded Kevin.

Sam shrugged; "I guess so," he grunted uncertainly; "well, he thinks so, anyway."

"Well, I think that explains a lot," Kevin sighed; "you know that old spinning wheel you took when you iced that witch yesterday …?"

xxxxx

end


	14. Tongue Loosener

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two men and an angel are enjoying after dinner drinks. What was that I said about how Dean shouldn't go eexploring in the bunker's vaults ...

Sam, sit down and desist your brabbling; I feel irredeemably crapulous.

Well excuse me Dean, you grumpish cockalorum; you're not the only one who's fuzzled by this damned beer.

Listen, you elflocked dunderhead, how would I know it had been enchanted by a fairy wordsmith?

Well, maybe the fact that it's called Great Golden Gorgonizer and that you found it in the Letters' deepest vault might have alerted you to a possible situation you beef-witted dunderhead.

'CRUNCH'

What the …?

Oh. I feel most curiously fuzzled, and I thought I had lost my halo.

But it appears that Sam just sat on it.

xxxxx

end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Glossary:
> 
> 1\. Groak - To silently watch someone while they are eating, hoping to be invited to join them.  
> 2\. Crapulous - To feel ill because of excessive eating/drinking  
> 3\. Grumpish - Sullen. An alternative to grumpy.  
> 4\. Jargogle - To confuse, bamboozle.  
> 5\. Elflock - Tangled hair, as if matted by elves.  
> 6\. Gorgonize - To have a paralyzing or mesmerizing effect on someone.  
> 7\. Cockalorum - A little man with a high opinion of himself.  
> 8\. Brabble - To argue loudly about something inconsequential.  
> 9\. Beef-witted - Stupid, imbecilic.  
> 10\. Fuzzle - To make drunk, intoxicate.


	15. Light on his Feet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since Dean explored the bunker. Sam's POV

Dean really shouldn't explore the vaults here in the bunker; no good ever comes of it.

This time he found the winged sandals of Mercury. Even I didn't think he'd be stupid enough to wedge his great big size elevens into them.

He thought it was a great big joke, hovering around the bunker. Personally, I think he just liked being taller than me for a while.

But then the goddamn idiot forgot he had them on when he went outside to lock up the Impala.

He's just been picked up by a passing crop duster somewhere over northern Iowa.

xxxxx

end


	16. The Lady iof the ...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bunker doesn't have a lake, so a certain lady has to find other options …

Dean was thrilled on discovering Excalibur in the bunker. Within moments, he was lunging and feinting his way through labyrinthine corridors, dizzy with joy, and enthusiastically engaged in mortal combat with his own imaginary Mordred.

His heroic adventure was halted, however, by Sam's sudden appearance; wet, soapy and sporting only a towel and a nuclear bitchface.

"Dean", he snapped; "I don't know what the hell you're doing, but while I was showering, some freaky fairy chick popped up out of the toilet asking if you would please stop dicking around with her sword and let her have the damn thing back before you break it."

xxxxx

end


	17. Shower Power

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean loves the Bunker's shower, but perhaps he should pay more attention to its mechanics as well as its benefits.

"DEAN," Sam yelled over the tuneless rendition of Highway to Hell emanating from the bunker's shower, "how long are you gonna be in there? I need to pee!"

Sam gave the locked door a petulant thump with his fist before walking away.

On the other side of the door, Dean stood, unmoved by his brother's plight as he luxuriated under the hot spray, inhaling the clouds of pine-scented steam. If Sam needed to pee, then there were plenty of bushes behind the bunker.

Dean had no idea how he'd so far managed to spend forty-five minutes in the bunker's shower and the water was still so hot, and the pressure was still so awesome, and what's more he didn't care. Ain't broke, don't fix, and all that. He was a man of simple pleasures.

Sam, on the other hand, had studied the bunker's plumbing at length. He understood its engineering and spellwork. He understood very well, as he stood in the basement before a tangle of pipes and valves, that if he pressed this button, the hot water would shut off immediately.

He grinned in wicked satisfaction, as Dean's shocked yelp echoed through the bunker.

Sam was a man of simple pleasures too.

xxxxx

end


	18. The Bright Side of Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Never let it be said that Sam doesn't try to make the best out of a bad situation.

Dean grinned wickedly as he clutched a tiny, wizened creature between his fingertips; "Look Sam, It's a freaking pixie. I found it running loose in the bunker's basement. Damn! Aren't they supposed to be cute?" He wrinkled his nose in disgust; "this little raisin looks like he's been painted with an ugly brush".

The squirming little creature chattered in furious indignation at Dean's remark and retaliated by firing a puff of sparkling pink dust into his tormentor's face.

Sam watched, fascinated as Dean, enveloped in a faintly glowing pink haze, began to float lightly upwards, arms and legs windmilling wildly in mid-air, until finally his back made contact with the bunker's high ceiling, leaving him dangling helplessly like an abandoned hunter-shaped, foul-mouthed, helium balloon.

"Sam. Help meeeeeeee … Don't just freaking stand there … DO SOMETHING. NOW!"

"Okay … yes," Sam stammered in reply; "I'll see what info I can rustle up from those books of faerie lore. Oh, and there might be something …"

"JUST GET ON WITH IT!" Dean yelped.

"Right, I'm going," Sam replied; "Oh, by the way, while you're up there … just so you don't get bored … can you fix that lightbulb I was telling you about last week?"

xxxxx

end


End file.
